Ask a Sexy Archaeologist #1

Greetings ditch diggers, its time for us to introduce our first special feature called Ask a Sexy Archaeologist.  This is a chance for members to field questions to the League of Extraordinary Archaeologists?

I’m working on a Resource Management Project near Houston with a HOT, HOT chick.  She seems in to me.  Should I make a move? – Patrick, TX

I will unequivocally say yes, you should make a move. What is a better way to enjoy a healthy work relationship by just assuming someone is into you? I could think of no other option. She really enjoys your company, she seems to laugh at everything you say, I think she has a crush on you. You know what? You should wait until she’s in a stream and just jump her. With the gentle breeze rustling leaves in the woods, and the cool steam lapping at her ankles, I’m sure there is nothing else on her mind but ripping your dirty clothes off like a band-aid. If she doesn’t, hey she’s probably just playing hard to get. Those dirty stares and incessant “NO!”s only mean a green light for me, when you think about it “No!” and “Go!” sound about the same, so if she’s not into it you can just say there was sandy loam in your ears and you heard the “G” word. Awkward ending resolved!

If you do push her down in a stream in the heat of the moment and she begins to writhe in pain, you may have just broken her ankle, BE CAREFUL! Making moves in the woods and on trails, there are a lot of obstacles that may prevent you from the real artifact in on your radar. The best strategy is to stare, smile, and compliment endlessly. Tell her you want her in the worst way. She will think this is cute.
Finally, if you’re the shy, subtle lover, you may want to use language and wit to get your girl. The next time you’re doing paper work, write her a love note, like “If you were a resource, I’d like you to be renewable, because I can’t seem to get enough of you.” If you were an archaeologist such as myself, you should say “I found a surface artifact…(pause and wait for everyone to look at you) yeah she’s one of a kind and priceless.”  Not only will every female say “Awww,” but men will be jealous as you ascertain yourself as alpha male of the crew. If she thinks this is creepy, she may have a point, but it’s the delivery that counts. As long as you smile, she will laugh at you, and you can jump her later.  – Joey Pushes Trees Durgin

Hello my fellow sexy people!  I find myself at a crossroads with the spelling of our field.  Which road should I take, archaeology or archeology? – Nick T., South Africa

Don’t even go there.

Some will argue that just the ‘e’  gives ‘archeology’ a bit of mystique.  But really, no one sexy spells it ‘archeology’ unless they are pinky-less on their left hand.  Archaeology all the way.   –  Kurt

What’s the best job to have in archaeology? – Frank B., CA

The one that pays the most as well as gets the most girls with hair-raising tales of daring-do.

Shy of that, there are a ton of variables that need to be weighed in before I hand out a definitive answer. 

The first variable is what you want in the field of archaeology. As with every conquering of foreign lands, it is imperative that you set a goal for yourself, and make sure that its one you’ll enjoy. The best job is always one that you’ll enjoy as well as one that’s attainable given your circumstances.

 I mean, where would Indy be if he hadn’t decided to go after his father in The Last Crusade. Probably holding the Holy Cup, but recently orphaned. Decisions, decisions, decisions. 

So what do I mean by “attainable?” That’s easy. If you don’t want to spend 8 years in school, then you’ll not be eligible for some of the higher paying archaeology jobs. There aren’t very many professors with only a bachelor’s degree. Don’t forget to look at this from the other angle as well. You probably wouldn’t want to spend 8 years in school just to be a shovel bum. 

Next you should think about what you like to do. Bullwhips and trowels your thing? Ties and the scent of chalk in the morning? How about washing and labeling artifacts? Writing day in and day out while trying to stay within budget standards? Drinking coffee in the blistering sun while a friend pulls a bot fly from your back? 

If one of these sounds sexy enough for you, then you’re on the right track. Mmmm Bot Flies. 

Finally, the big thing about archaeology is that certain jobs in it are seasonal, part-time, or the dreaded, “For Locals Only” (enter ominously played music). If your idea of a perfect job is stability, benefits, and a nice paycheck, well tough, I took that job. Now you have to wait for about 40 years for me to retire and that position to become available again. In all seriousness though, stability is a rare commodity to come by in our field unless you’re willing to make a few compromises. First of all, if you want the full package of benefits, pay, and a home, you’ll probably do well to join a lab or museum position if all that you have is a bachelor’s. If you have more than a bachelor’s, then you’ll find that there is less difficulty when searching for a permanent position. 

On the flip side, if you’re ok with not having benefits for a while, and like to keep your ear in the dirt, then constantly watching job listing sites and applying all the time is a great way to make a nice penny or two (three is pushing it). Unlike the lab or museum jobs, you’ll get per diem, not to mention that nothing says sexy adventurer like not knowing when your next shower will be.

 So, Frank, you’ve got a lot of thinking do. I hope I haven’t answered your question, because to answer it wouldn’t do you any justice. Go out there and find what’s sexy for you.       –  Matt “Spazenport”

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If you have  a burning question you’d like answered, send it to sexyarchaeology@gmail.com and we’ll answer it!

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